Sunday, September 20, 2009

Hoodies, pillows, and my big red couch

I love fall. I love the coziness of it... the glorious, crisp mornings and evenings that make me head to the closet for a fuzzy hoody sweatshirt. I'm a walking billboard for all manner of things these days: Leadership Staff, Oregon State, Evergreen Girls State, Breakaway Lodge, Pirate Baseball. I even have a red one with Mickey Mouse's face floating on it. I like the snuggliness of them, the way I am dwarfed by them.

My giraffe pillow and big red couch make me feel the same way. Lori made me the pillow for my birthday, and I bought the couches two years ago in a flurry of "I'm a grown-up now! I shall have non-collegiate furniture." Again, it's the snuggliness that gets me. I'm a sucker for a good snuggle.

It's the same feeling I get when my brother lets me really hug him or when Bennett says he wants to sit by me or when Erin stands by my side and expectantly says, "Up!" There's something about being held (or doing the holding) that quiets me. And, along these lines, the Life Journal reading for today was Psalm 130, but it was a short one so I kept reading through Psalm 131:

Lord, my heart is not proud; my eyes are not haughty.
I don't concern myself with matters too great for me.
But I have stilled and quieted myself, just as a small child is quiet with its mother.
Yes, like a small child is my soul within me.

It made me think of holding Erin when she and I are focused on the same thing. We just sit there, but she leans into me. Such trust and love and peace, and I'm not even her mom!

But this psalm isn't just about quietness and peace; it is also a recognition of limitations and declaration of choice: "I have stilled and quieted myself." In the midst of life's big challenges, both external and internal, I choose to slow down.... stop.... reframe.... breathe....

This psalm is perfectly timed for me today. There are matters in my life right now that are too great for me... big picture/trajectory stuff about which I have some strong opinions and preferences... ministry stuff... relationship stuff... career stuff...

And this morning I choose to crawl up on my Papa's lap and say, "I don't 'got this.' This is too big for me. And so, in light of Your enduring love and faithfulness, Your promises that have been thoroughly tested, and Your invitation to trust, I choose to still and quiet myself. I may not get what I want, but Your presence is more important than all of that. I want to stay with You through each season, each radar blip, each bend in the road, and I choose to follow You, not my own way or wisdom."

The embrace of God.... that's pretty damn cozy.

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