Friday, January 29, 2010

1 Month Down

January. ¿A donde vas? The paradox of time seems so much more real to me this year. Each of the past few weeks has seemed both to crawl and sprint. February will probably follow suit, which is great because then spring will arrive and I won't have to cajole myself to find restorative beauty around me. The color grey serves its purpose, and I like it as a background for a good hoodie sweatshirt, but when it is the backdrop of almost every day's weather, it gets to me.

Another thing I've noticed about myself is my propensity to make lists and calendars when I'm feeling overwhelmed and crunched. In the past two weeks, I think I've made six or seven of them. In fact, I'm compelled to make another one right here on this very blog. I won't.... maybe. But I will say that, far from being depressed, February's schedule looks a bit manic: there is one weekend that wasn't scheduled "out", and I decided to host a Games Night that Friday.

Even as I write, though, I am reminded of a week this fall that, at its start, caused me to say "holy crap! How will this week ever work out?" That very mindset created stress that did not need to be there, thereby making what could have been a great week seem tense. Let me NOT do that for the WHOLE of February!!!! Is the month full and busy? Yes. Is it too much? Well, that has yet to be seen.

And I can't quite keep myself from doing this.......

Regular life: sit and listen and chat with God, plan and prep for English 9 and American Literature, plan and prep for weekly Young Life Club on Mondays, attend Worship Team practice and have morning coffee with Debbie on Wednesdays, have weekly friend times with Rachel/Susie/Lisa, hit the YMCA 4-5 times, attend Weight Watchers on Saturday and Franklin Hill on Sunday

In addition to my regular life the next five weeks:
This weekend: house sit
Feb Week 1: video tape for National Boards (AGAIN!!!!), Love & Respect Small Group starts
Feb weekend 1: Young Life Regional Conference (Fri-Sun)
Feb Week 2: National Board Meeting (at which I will show the video from Week 1 if it ends up capturing what I need to capture)
Feb Weekend 2/Week 3: Ontario Link Crew Conference (Sun-Wed)
Feb Weekend 3/Week 4: Regular Life
March Week 1: Assignment Team Training
March Weekend 1: Lisa's wedding

Okay -- so here's the thing. I love my life -- my regular routine. I have the margin I need to do it well. I can plan for Young Life, exercise regularly, get enough sleep, make good food choices. But when I squeeze out the margin by packing out the weekends and adding extra things during the week, YL becomes a stress, I skip my workouts, stay up late reading, eat bowls of cereal and ice cream ad nauseum.

But the kicker is, I seem to do this in cycles: once or twice a year, I create a schedule like this for myself. Like a dog returning to his vomit, so a fool returns to her folly. The challenge for me is that this is all GOOD stuff. I could back out of some of it, but I don't really want to. I want to get my Nat Boards, attend the YL conference and the Link Crew conference, be in Lisa's wedding, all that jazz.

Okay -- I'm not getting anywhere with all of this reflection on my life. I have nothing pithy or insightful to say about it. I'm glad it's Friday. I'm glad I have friends who GET that I do this every now and then and will let me spew my emotions at them. I'm glad for a job I love and that this too shall pass.

OH! But I don't want it to merely "pass". I want to be IN IT -- to be real and present and aware and a blessing to those I encounter, which I find difficult to be when my head is all wrapped up in how much I have to do.

So, here is my insight.... Thanks, Jesus, for songs that remind me of my heart's cry:

Jesus, be the center
Be my source be my light, Jesus
Jesus, be the center
Be my song, Jesus

Be the fire in my heart
Be the wind in my sails
Be the reason that I live
Jesus Jesus

Jesus, be my vision

Be my help
Be my guide Jesus

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